托福作文批改：关于快餐的话题

　　托福作文过程中，一些高分范文的参考往往就会给人带来不少的帮助。但是，在阅读这些文章的时候，你有没有想过如何去提炼出其中的精华部分呢?除了关注其中的用词和语句之外，我们是否还应该去细心分析一下其中的作文观点呢?下面，小编为大家准备了一篇托福升格作文，希望对大家的托福快餐作文备考有所帮助。

　　In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

　　学生原文：

　　Obesity and other kinds of health problems have long term troubled people’s daily life and diet issue due to overabsorbing fast food meals. But whether the solution of rising food tax by governments appropriate or not, from where I stand, still remains analyze worthy to some extent.

　　Admittedly, some extra tips which chargefor fast food can somehow arouse people’s awareness that this is concerning their physical health. Thus, city residents may think twice before they step into a restaurant which serves only hamburgers, chips and other high-calorie products and finally turn to other kinds of meals, such as organic food. What is more, a great amount of fast food purchase may be cut out from the consumption root based on an economical concern.

　　However, accepting the certain rationality of this viewpoint does not disprove my claim that a simple action of implementing a higher tax policy cannot provide positive results with citizensbut bring them negative effects. A case in point, though it might be ignored by many, is that if we take those counter parties’ circumstances into consideration, the consumer groups of unhealthy food would be found by the statistics that the main proportion comes from those low-income people. In some concrete countries, especially the developed countries, organic food like vegetables and fruits cost much more than a fast-food meal, which is supported by a largish industry chain. Therefore, it is unaffordable for those who earn minimum wage to consume normal healthy products every day. With a higher tax,this situation would cause more social problems when they become devastated for the mounting food-paying bills. Not to mention the initial purpose of getting people more fit would fail under the circumstances that they do not get enough energy for organ function.

　　In a short summary, from my perspectives,it is rather irrational for governments to put tax stress on fast food as a resolution for health issues, because this will not be beneficial for those who truly need help, yet to exacerbate the problem.

　　老师批改后：

　　Obesity and other kinds of health problems have long term【long即可】 troubled people’s daily life and diet issue due to over absorbing【用intaking更恰当】 fast food meals【可省略】. But whether the solution of rising【rise是不及物动词，此处要使用raising】 food tax by governments【is】 appropriate or not, from where I stand, still remains analyze worthy to some extent.

　　Admittedly, some extra tips which charge for【tips charged by】 fast food can somehow arouse people’s awareness that this is concerning their physical health.【句意理解上存在问题，是索取小费唤起了人们的意识?increased tax on fast food would thus passing on to consumers in terms of a higher price，which might discourage people's temptation of consuming fast food，as they could use the same amount to money to have something better】 Thus, city residents may think twice before they step into a restaurant which serves only hamburgers, chips and other high-calorie products and finally turn to other kinds of meals, such as organic food. What is more, a great amount of fast foodpurchase【consumption】 may be cut out from the consumption root【Chinglish了】 based on an economical concern【这部分内容可以，就是和句有些衔接问题】.

　　However, accepting the certain rationality【there is a certain rationality within the above solution】 of this viewpoint does not disprove my claim that a simple action of implementing a higher tax policy cannot provide【result in the】 positive results with【of】 citizens but【might possible bring about some negative effects】 bring them negative effects. A case in point, though it might be ignored by many, is that if we take those counter parties’【这里有点突兀，没有上下文语境。建议参考interested parties'】circumstances into consideration, the consumer groups of unhealthy food would be found by the statistics that the main proportion comes from those low-income people.【没有说请自己想表达的，语句要重新组织下，或参考：with the help of statistical analyse，we are sure to find it is mainly the low income group that consumes more fast food】 In some concrete countries【?】, especially the developed countries, organic food like vegetables and fruits cost much more than a fast-food meal, which is supported by【caused by 更合适，因为是比较负面的用supported不太恰当】 a largish industry chain. Therefore, it is unaffordable for those who earn minimum wage 【little】 to consume normal【those kind of expensive】 healthy products every day. With a higher tax, this situation would cause more social problems when they become【begin to be】 devastated for【by】 the mounting food-paying bills【food bills即可】【本句本身没有问题但是用的有点没有上下文，建议如下的提示：as for those who with a relatively low income would find life to be more difficult than before，since what fast food means to them might just be a cheap alternative for healthy food and there main purpose is to live economically. ...】. Not to mention the initial purpose of getting people more fit would fail under the circumstances that they do not get enough energy for organ function.

　　In a short summary, from my perspectives,it is rather irrational for governments to put tax stress on fast food as a resolution for health issues, because this will not be beneficial for those who truly need help, yet to exacerbate the problem.

　　预估分数：5-5.5

　　点评：

　　文章的观点有矛盾，在文中肯定过政府出台的政策，但是结尾又强烈否定，这个问题需要注意。看的出文章中提出的观点时不错的，且也有较为深入的思考，值得肯定。但是文章中不乏有些句子和词语会让人存在理解上的困难，希望能够自己写完后认真复查一遍，务必要保证句意通常，这是行文最基本的要求，同时在句意通顺的情况下还要注意上下文的逻辑关系，逻辑关系安排的不妥当，老师就容易看的迷茫。文章中改出来的地方和给出的一点提示希望你能参考看看，是不是可以拓展下你的思路，至于文章布局的结构挺好的。

　　以上是小编给大家整理的托福作文批改：关于快餐的话题的相关内容，看了这些，大家是否有所启发呢?希望大家能抓紧时间，多看看好文章，自己整理一些你可能会用的上的好词好句，为自己的文章添彩，继续加油，祝考试顺利!